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It Takes a Village

 

“After a while the middle-aged person who lives in her head begins to talk to her soul, the kid.” 

Anne Lamott

“The Kid”

This summer I began to listen to my inner child–“the kid” Anne Lamott talks about in the above quote. 

My inner child was tired of waiting for me to spend time with her. Since I had put her on hold for so long, she told me she’d heard it took a village to raise a child. She was sure we both needed a village–a family–a tribe.

We lived outside of town. I didn’t know how to tell her we did not have our own village.

She was quiet and I could see and feel she was thinking hard about this situation. After some somber moments, she looked up into my eyes and asked, “Why don’t we build one?”

What a great idea.

For the past few weeks we have been building our village. As our town grows, Little B wants to show the homes and introduce the people who will join us in these adventures.

We have one home to show today. It is the oldest home in the village owned by the senior member of our community. The woman living here is considered the wise-one. Some call her a Shaman. Others call her a witch. We call her Ms. V.

Our friends here in Burton Township are moving in as their homes are completed. Everyone is excited to be close to Ms. V. and learn from her. Little B is thrilled to have so many teachers. 

As we left Ms. V., she gave us both hugs and told us to come back soon. She has a lot to share. Little B took the photo to share.

“And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” 

Meister Eckhart

Peace be with you,  my friends. 

 

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I’ve Been Thinking…again

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I wrote my last post many months ago. I thought I was ready to write and share more of my stories. 

I was wrong. 

It didn’t take long before I knew I had much more work to do.

This time, I called in professional help. Our conversations eventually wound their way back to the summer my mom died. That long summer from nearly fifty years ago began to unfold before me. So many images pulled in so many emotions. My voice was hesitant at first but began to fall into the phrasing I’d used many times. This time, for the first time, I heard the details were being shared by my ten-year-old self. 

At that moment I realized I’d left her back there all those years ago. 

With this new awareness, I had a clear vision of my mom through the eyes of that confused and fear filled ten year old as well as the wide opened eyes of a loving adult.  

It was as if someone reached over my shoulder, snapping in that long lost puzzle piece. This  piece will be the strong foundation I need to keep growing, learning, and sharing. 

My long sought lesson to share today is never give up on yourself. Keep working and you’ll find your answers. 

I am…

B…simply being. 

Peace be with you. 

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I Am Back

“I believe that life is all about perception and timing. That good things come to those who act and that life’s about more than collecting a paycheck. I believe that the only person you’re destined to become is the one that you decide to be. That if you try hard enough you can convince yourself of anything. That having patience doesn’t make you a hero nor does it make you a doormat. I believe that not showing love proves you’re weak and belittling others doesn’t make you strong. That you are never as far away from people as the miles may suggest. That life’s too short to read awful books, listen to terrible music, or be around uninspiring people. I believe that where you start has little impact on where you finish. That sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. That you can never be overdressed or overeducated. I believe that the cure for anything is salt water; sweat, tears, or the sea. That you should never let your memories be greater than your dreams. And that you should always choose adventure.” 

― Todd Smidt

I’ve been away from my desk for a long time. 

My last post was written just after I said good-by to my dog, Bud. It was the final heartbreak of a year filled with unexpected events and losses. I needed some open-ended time to refill my well. 

I am better. I am ready to write. 

I’ve talked about the book by Susan Hayward, The Guide for the Advanced Soul. I discovered she has a sequel to this book, Begin It Now, which was waiting for me when I returned from the coast. Even the title sent me a message. As I opened the book, this was what I read:

How much longer will you go on letting your energy sleep? How much longer are you going to stay oblivious of the immensity of yourself? Don’t lose time in conflict; lose no time in doubt–Time can never be recovered and if you miss an opportunity it may take many lives before another comes your way again.    Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

God bless you. 

I am…

B…simply being. 

Peace be with you. 

 

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The 50’s Through the Eyes of Frank Miller

 

“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.” 

― Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark

When I saw the book below at an estate sale a few months ago, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Frank Miller was a household name in Iowa as I was growing up–and for good reasons.

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For those who don’t know, Frank Miller was a Pulitzer Prize winning “cartoonist” for The Des Moines Register for three decades. In 1983 The Register published a book presenting selected works from his years at the paper.

To introduce those who don’t know him and those of us who want to know more about him, let me share what James Flansburg said about him in the introduction:

“Frank Miller captured the essence of Iowa. He was a cartoonist and proud of it. But also from 1953 to 1983 his pen and brushes produced hundreds of sketches and paintings that caught the beauty of the state and the anomaly of man’s trying to harness nature…

…Frank Miller didn’t really draw for the readers of The Register and the 30 other papers in which he was syndicated. He drew for an audience of one: Frank Miller…He was one of those rare beings who got paid for doing what he otherwise who’d have been doing for nothing…

…In that sense–unassuming, but not humble, aware of his talent but not crowing about it, convinced of his rightness but recognizing other views–Frank Miller appears to be a study in huge indifference. He lost interest in a work the instant it was finished…

…people didn’t like the cartoons he liked and liked the ones he didn’t very much care for. My guess, for example, is that he didn’t much like his Pulitzer Prize winning cartoon.So the way a Frank Miller would handle that would be to say as little as possible. “I think I’ve drawn better cartoons,” he said…

…We sat side by side int The Register newsroom for a long while–he illustrated  my political column for many years–and I never knew he had an alcohol problem until the day he told me he’d be gone for a while because he was going to put himself into the hospital for the cure. (It was the beginning of what he regarded as his most important work in the last several years of his life, helping alcoholics try to repair their shattered lives). Nor did many people know about it when his right elbow gave out–cartoonists are subject to something like tennis elbow because of the fine detail work of drawing–and he started to teach himself to draw with his left hand…

…Miller’s first dealing with The Register demonstrated his qualities as an affable, rational person who knew how to play whatever cards fate dealt. After army service in World War II Europe and study at the University of Kansas and Kansas City Art Institute, Miller had followed his father as a staff artist at the Kansas City Star. IN November of 1951, Register editor Kenneth MacDonald wrote Miller to ask if Miller was interested in a Register job for which he’d been recommended by his old teacher Karl Mattern, the noted artist. “Last May I was called to active duty with he Army Reserves,” said Miler’s reply, “and as I write I am in San Francisco ready to ship to Korea.” On his letter was an ink sketch of a sergeant in full combat gear. “Damn. An I always did like Des Moines,” said the caption. Miller laughed at the situation that would have had almost anyone else raving…

…Eighteen months later Miller was on The Register payroll and on his way to becoming as important a figure in Iowa’s day-to-day life as The Register’s first front page cartoonist, Jay N. (Ding) Darling…

…Miller never sided with a political figure–issues yes–individuals no–and Miller was not particularly interested in knowing or even meeting the great and near-great…His letter file would have been a valuable find for an autograph hunter or maybe even a scholar. But Miller wasn’t interested. He threw them away after reading them…

…When I cleaned out his desk and boxed his belongings after his death, I found, among other things, two letters and one photograph…

…The photograph and one of the letters were from Gene McCarthy and were carefully preserved. The other letter was from President Lyndon Johnson and it was in relatively good condition except for the dozens of brown ring stains from the coffee cups that Miller had set on it over the years.

Some of the cartoons for the 1950’s:

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The more things change, the more they remain the same. ~Jean Baptiste Alphonse Karr

I am…

B…simply being. 

~Peace~

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Thinking about Memorial Day

Do you remember the paper mache’ poppies? You know the ones we used to see everywhere when we growing up. I was one of the kids passing them out at the local grocery store in exchange for whatever donation was given. I am sure I was not happy to spend my Saturday there!

I was young and really did not appreciate–if I even knew–what that poppy symbolized. Because my dad was a veteran of WWII, he was an active member of the local VFW. My mom, my sisters, and I were part of the American Legion. One of the things we did for Memorial Day was make sure everyone had a commemorative poppy.

Late Saturday, an older man came up to me and asked if I knew what the poppy represented. This type of interaction happened to me all the time. There could have been ten other kids standing around but I was the one who was asked the questions. I debated saying I did know, but thought he may quiz me about it. I was honest and said I really did not know the whole story.

He told me it was important to know and shared this with me:

First of all, he said, you are not wearing the poppy correctly. It is to be worn over your heart. As he looked me straight in the eyes, he stressed that I would understand why this was important after he finished his story.

My memory is not complete so I am borrowing from an American Legion post:

The red petals stand for the vast outpouring of blood; the yellow and black center, the mud and desolation of all battlefields.

The green of the stem is symbolic of the forests, meadows and fields where generations of Americans have perished to make this land free.

The stem represents the courage and determination of our fallen warriors.

The assembled product, a flower, is a symbol of resurrection, which is sure to follow.

His words were much more simple, filled with the type of emphasis that only comes from being there, really experiencing the battles of war personally. He watched my face as he spoke, pausing now and then to make sure I was getting his point. When his story was complete, he stepped back in silence and somber reflection. He leaned toward me, asking me if I thought I understood why it is important to wear that poppy correctly? Now I was able to honestly answer that question. Which I did, with a soft and respectful, yes.

That was decades ago–probably over fifty years have passed since that grocery store lesson. I can picture myself standing beside this little round man, dressed in his bib overhauls, giving me the gift of a very powerful lesson about the real cost of the freedom.

Oh the challenges our nation has faced since that long past day in May. One thing has not changed. As Memorial Day approaches, it is vitally important for us all to remember those who have fought to defend our freedoms and those who protect us today.

We are in such turmoil and unease. As I asked last night, I ask for your prayers, remembering our great country and for those who defend and protect us. God bless them, God bless us all, and please, God, bless America.

I am…

B…simply being…

Peace. I love you.

 

 

 

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A Time For Reflection

Mother’s Day.

A hard day for those of us who have lost our moms. It doesn’t matter how old we were when the loss happened–this is a life event we all carry with us from that day forward.

I send my love out to those of you who are facing your first “motherless” Mother’s Day. May your memories give you comfort. May you come to understand, as I have, that your mom will always be with you. Not just in the memories, but in little things you do, little things you say, little habits you may not have recognized until now. I was blessed with a mom who loved me. Unfortunately, my mom, my sisters, and I were not blessed with much time.

Time. It is such an illusive concept. We keep thinking we have more. Don’t be fooled. As we’ve all been told, life can change in just a matter of seconds. This Mother’s Day, put the electronics away. Open your mind and heart by spending some attentive quality time with your mom. As anyone who has lost their mom will tell you, we would give anything to spend one more day with them. We’d ask questions, really listen to what she told us, and share stories of our own. We would make sure she knew how important and special she was and is to us; how her life lessons are infused into our very being.

Use your time wisely, my dear friends, and cherish those you love. If your mom is here, please make sure she knows how important she is to you. Only you can do that.

Make your mom, and yourself, proud.

I am

B…simply being…

Peace and love to y’all.

 

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Another Trip to the Library

I have a great library. Now that I am retired, not only do I have more time to read but I can choose HOW I read. I can read a new book or I can re-read a book that has become a traveling companion. These select few are special and I feel as though they are “old friends.” Some have traveled with me for many years. Not only do they share their printed words, but they magically pull up memories of what was happening in my life the first time I read them. I can see where I was, who I was with, see my notes and highlighting, and physically feel what was going on in my world at the time. Oh the power of books! I am blessed to have some very big hitters.

Simple Abundance, by Sarah Breathnach, is one of my favorites. My first copy was a gift, making it very special. This book has been around for a long time, very popular in the early 90’s. It was one of the books read by a group of women I met with once a week for years. I’ll always remember the night one of the leaders of the group talked about the book, explaining what she liked about it and shared different readings with us. She had passed her copy around and we all wanted to know where we could find our own copy. She said she had a surprise for us–and handed out a copy for each of us.

The book is set up to read an entry a day. I’ll share the beginning of what Sarah wrote for January 5:

Many women today feel a sadness we cannot name. Though we accomplish much of what we set out to do, we sense that something is missing in outlives and–fruitlessly–search “out there” for answers. What’s often wrong is that we are disconnected from an authentic sense of self.   Emily Hancock

I think many of us are searching for our authentic selves. As I give my thanks for my blessings today, one of the things I am grateful for is being able to share my search with you.

God bless you with love and peace.

I am…

B…simply being…

 

 

 

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A Slow Day

Everybody needs a slow day–I took one today. I am learning to listen to my body and some days you just don’t push it.

In light of that I’m sharing simple things today.

First thing to share is that our friends brought home their new puppy today. She is adorable. I’ve attached a picture of her so you can fall in love with her, too. She is described as very affectionate and ALL puppy. Cannot wait to meet her and hold her squiggly little body and smell that puppy breath.

Secondly,  I’m sharing something I discovered about a month ago. I’ve wanted to go back to school but honestly, could not commit to the time. Not sure how I stumbled upon on-line courses called MOOCs. I had to Google the acronym to see what it was and found it stood for: Massive Open Online Course. The courses are offered through several different sources for pretty low prices or free. The source I am most pleased with at this time is Coursera–you can check them out at: Coursera.org. They offer a wide variety of courses for free or a fee if you want a certificate of completion.

Lastly, but most importantly, I am thankful my husband was home today to take care of me. Thanks, Mickey. Your attention alone made a world of difference. I had three other care givers–all three dogs were beside me while I rested. Of course, part of that fact is they are allowed on the bed during the day–that might have been a huge incentive. Regardless, it was a joyously lazy day.

I took advice from Anne Lamott today:

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes…including you. 

I am rested, renewed, mostly recharged. I am…

B…simply being…

Peace and love to all.

 

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My Guidance

I was clearing some space on my desk when I saw my Guide for the Advanced Soul sitting beside my computer. I am always curious about what that little book will tell me. This is the guidance the Universe sent my way:

The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors reflecting their beliefs. So relationship is one of the most powerful tools for growth…if we look honestly at our relationships we can see so much about how we have created them.    Shakti Gawain

I wish you all love and peace.

I am

B…simply being…

 

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Musings

I’ve had some extra time this week to think about things. What that usually means is I take long walks into my past. This week was no exception. There are some things back there that have always puzzled me. I found some unusual help this time though, from “The Royals.”

I have been running from myself for most of my life. When Prince Harry and his brother, Prince William, began talking about their mother, Diana, a switch turned on for me. I found, and continue to find, great comfort in their words when they talk about the struggles they have had in their lives after her death. Whenever Prince Harry speaks,  his words give me chills. It appears we had and have some of the same challenges. By speaking out he gave me a very valuable gift–he opened the door for me to speak of my own challenges. I am grateful for that.

I grew up in a little town in northeast Iowa. My family was not from there originally, a fact that I think was hard for my mom. Looking back on life’s events as an older adult gives me such a different perspective of things. My mom had been a single working woman, living at home with her parents, until she was 27 years old. She thought she was an old maid. She often told me how she met my dad at a dance. She said she knew when she met him he was special but did not think he was ever going to ask her to marry him. Looking back, that is the only story she ever shared with me about her days as a single woman. Of course, I was so young I would not have understood much more than that. She never had a chance to share more–she was dead by the time I was ten, my younger sister eight, and my youngest sister, six. That, my friends, is the tip of the iceberg.

I only have a kid’s memory of so many things. Our small community had its share of tragedies during this time. The most significant one I remember is that a classmate of mine’s mother died after being in a car accident. I think we were in second grade so we were probably seven years old. I had to be at school early that morning–I was in trouble for having a messy desk and was supposed to come in and clean it out. When I got to my room, my teacher was not there so I went looking for her. I found everyone in the room next door all standing in the front of the class room. They were talking softly about a car accident. One teacher said that the doctors did not think that my friend’s mom was hurt very badly. They were wrong, she said.  My classmates mom had died earlier that morning from a head injury that had not been detected. Lots more whispers.

I stood there thinking, how can that be? Moms don’t die.

In my mind, I see exactly where I was standing that day–how the soft morning sunlight came through the windows, illuminating the desktops, reflecting off chalk dust that was always flying through the air. The huddle of teachers remained close together in the front of the room. I remained invisible. Yes, they said, she had been hit from behind. You know, they said, it’s that bad spot out on the highway where so many other accidents had happened. Well, it’s been icy, they said, so she had a cement block in the back of her car for traction. When she was hit, they said, it flew and hit her head…

No one noticed as I turned and quietly walked out of the room. Oh, so many questions I carried out with me that day.

I wonder if my friend, my classmate from so many years ago, has any of the same questions I do? Does Prince Harry comfort her as he speaks of his demons? Do my other friends who also lost their moms when they were young feel the way I do–like you’ve always been a little lost? Always searching for something…

The month of May has always has been a time when I question so many things. I’ve sidestepped them for many, many years. Now it is time calm my demons by writing about them. If Prince Harry helped me, maybe I can help someone else?

This part of my life made me, me.

I am

B…simply being…

Wishing you all love and peace.

 

 

 

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Resources

I had forgotten how comforting it was to have a resource to turn to when I needed some type of encouragement. We all have to do our own soul-searching. What is good to know is we have other resources out there to help us along the way. Advisors we can keep close to us–just an arm’s length–like my little book, A Guide for the Advanced Soul.

I have several “advisors” sitting close by me. I’ll call them in for consultation often and share their words of wisdom. It’s all part of why I believe we are here–to help each other in our journey. Heaven knows, we need that type of help right now. We are all questioning so many basic things.

Venice Bloodworth was introduced to me by my husband, Michael. She was someone totally new to me until he shared her book. Now her book is another one in the front row of my go to authors/advisors whenever I need someone to make sense of things. Someone to renew my hope in–well–something.

Venice wrote her book, The Key to Yourself, in the 50’s. The copyright of the book we have on our shelf is 1952–a year before I was born. I’m not sure why I even noticed that but it made a really big impression on me. She wrote then what many of us read a few years ago thinking it was the first time someone had written it. Her wording is a little cumbersome today, but that makes it even more special to me. An example from a quote she credits to “Selected” which begins Chapter 3:

The Conscious Mind

If you think you are beaten, you are; If you think you dar not, you don’t; If you’d like to wind, but you think you can’t, It’s almost a cinch you won’t’ If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost, For out in the world you’ll find success begins with a fellow’s will; It’s all in the state of the mind. 

Later in that chapter she says: It is strange that we so long failed to understand the wonderful power of thought, for it is taught by every religion and philosophy in the history of the world. Paul, when in captivity and chained to a Roman solder, gave to the world this message:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are  just, whatsoever things ar pure, whatsoever things are lovely, and of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.. 

I, like many, am troubled by what is unfolding around us. I am unsure what to do other than try to find a way to help each other through it all until we can figure out what to do next. Our minds are powerful. As Venice says, if we think we’ll lose, we have lost. We–all of us–have to rediscover our own power. Look for our advisors–whether it is by talking with each other or rediscovering words like these shared by those who have passed this way before us.

I am.

B…simply being…

God bless you all with love and peace.

 

 

 

 

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Insight

Years ago a friend of mine showed me a book she said she consulted daily. The name of the book was, A guide for the Advanced Soul, by Susan Hayward. She handed it to me and told me to open it to any page. What was written on that page, she said, was  my guidance for the day.

The book impressed me so much I bought it the next day.  I have not found the words I remember reading that night so long ago. The feeling I had while reading them has never left me. I knew that night, down to my very soul, that my life was about to change in a very big way.

What happened, you ask, that made me think something was happening in my life? Something very simple–I went out for lunch–a lunch that had been in the works for months. I finally met that friend of a friend–yes–a blind date. Love at first sight, you say? I have to say, yes. There really is a thing! I was the biggest skeptic in the world until that day. In less than an hour I had become a believer. Twenty five years later, I still believe.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the “stuff” that bombards us all day long we forget to look for the magic. You know, all those unexpected blessing that simply shower down on us at times when we least expect them and often when we need them the most. It’s some powerful stuff, love. Remember that. Do not take it for granted.

Tonight, I have consulted my guide for the advanced soul. Let me share the wisdom found:

Every moment of your life is infinitely creative and universe is endlessly bountiful. Just put forth a clear enough request, and everything your heart desires must come to you. 

                                                                                         Shakti Gawain

I wish you all peace, love, and a restful night.

I am.

B…simply being…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Being Human

Taking a step away from my own story tonight and sharing my thoughts about something that has been in the news for the last 24 hours or so.

The talk today revolved around Jimmy Kimmel’s son, Billy. For those who may not know, he was born with a congenital heart defect, resulting in a successful open heart surgery when he was only a few days of age.  He did well with this surgery but will have more in his future.

I can hear the first comments out of many people’s mouths today, “Well, didn’t they have an ultrasound? How could they have missed a hole in the heart?” The blaming begins…

I am a retired pediatric echocardiographer. Translated, that means I performed  ultrasound on baby’s hearts. My patient population ranged from the fetus to the adult with congenital heart disease.  I was very fortunate. Before I retired I was able to do fetal echoes on women I imaged when they were neonates. What a joy that was for me. Heavens–I miss my patients and their families.

One of the things I wished my patients understood, and I feel most sonographers would agree, is the fact that we carry their stories and images home with us every single day. As a sonographer, we sit right next to our patients–definitely in their personal spaces–often putting all our body weight into their bodies in an attempt to confine that fetus. We are  not there to get “pretty pictures.” We are there to get diagnostic ones. We are accessing that little fetus to make sure all parts are normal in position, size, shape and function. All of this goes on while we hear all about your life–people who are nervous share a lot of personal information. As we work and listen, we attempt to keep our body language normal, our faces neutral, often fighting back tears. We understand just how drastic this woman and her family’s lives are going to change in just a matter of moments.

There is an obstitrician along with his/her ultrasound staff in the LA area who are very unhappy with the results of their studies done for Jimmy’s wife and unborn son. Unfortunately, ultrasound is not an exact science. Many things contribute to a successful diagnostic study: the age of the fetus, how cooperative that little person is at the time of the study, the experience of the sonographer, the experience of the physician reading that study, the level of suspicion regarding possible defects, and the amount of time that practice allows for each exam. If it is a first pregnancy, a young mom, no family history, all other images and prenatal studies normal with an active fetus, imaging compromises may be accepted. Factor into that entire equation the fact that this was a study done on a celebrity’s wife–sigh…

We are all only human–but that is not comforting to those involved with this case. Not for any of us.

My prayers go out for Billy’s continued successful recovery along with prayers for those professionals who are beating themselves up over missing this prenatal diagnosis. God bless you all.

Wishing you all a restful night filled with love and peace.

I am

B…simply being…

 

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Little Things

Some days ideas come and go so quickly I can’t get a good grasp on them before they are gone.

Today I thought I’d grab a couple of pictures I’ve saved because they always make me smile. The first picture is from a person I follow on FaceBook. The second photo is one of my fairy houses. It is a good example of my success in finding something that makes me happy. 

 

“Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.” ~John Lennon

Peace be with you, my friends. 

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One of the Best Fans

I don’t know if God is a sports fan or not, but I do know this: He loves a good comeback.  ~Lane Kiffin

For me, one of the best things about March is March Madness. For the past few years I have become a big fan of Iowa women’s basketball team. If you are like me, you know the name Caitlyn Clark. 

Yesterday was the Big Ten Championship game between Nebraska and Iowa. The last time these two teams played, Nebraska won. Yesterday, Nebraska nearly beat them again. 

As the game went into overtime, I don’t think I’d ever seen so many anxious fans in the stands. I was pacing around my living room, wringing my hands, reminding myself of the first time I watched, The  Wizard of Oz, and the Wicked Witch sent the flying monkeys out to get Dorothy. My heart raced as I watched these young women play. 

Everyone on the court looked exhausted but no one was giving up. Caitlyn struggled and her teammates picked up the slack. The teamwork demonstrated and their support of each other was a lesson for everyone watching. Both teams were great examples of sportsmanship and grace. The relationship between both coaching staffs and players was what everyone would hope to see. I was proud to be from the Midwest. 

Afer the game ended, I knew I had a picture of one of my favorite Hawkeye Fans. I wanted to use his picture for this blog. 

Dr. Gerald Vandervelde was the program director of the radiology program I attended. He would be the closest thing to a coach I’d have in my life. He taught me to persevere and to be accountable. There were some days I would try to convence him that the films I’d taken were the best possible. No. He’d send me back with the words, this will build character.  Years later I would suggest he did indeed help me become quite a chararcter.

His lessons were varied and not always pertaining to medicine. The one that echoes in my head almost daily is the advice to not use the word “got” unless you got to.

Whenever Dr. Van was in the department my “teammates” and I knew things would work okay. Just like the game on Sunday, there would be some rough patches but we would all get through. He was our calm spot in any storm.  

Dr. Van passed away this past October. The picture included in this post was taken by his wife, Joan, shortly before he died. Thank you, Joan, for allowing me to share and honor him.  

“You only lose when you stop trying.“

Anoynmous

Peace.

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Word by Word

“What a curious power words have.”

― Tadeusz Borowski

Growing up I don’t remember anyone in my family telling each other, I love you. Even after all these years, I am uncomfortable pushing those three words out.

Like so many times in my life, a teacher arrived when I was ready. Ann always said love ya as she left a gathering.  It was quick, casual, and had a note of sincerity to it.

My dearest friend, Ann, that stopped me in my tracks. At the time, I wasn’t even sure you liked me!

Okay, all my over-thinking friends, I know you can love someone and not like them This is one of those times I did not overthink. I chose to imitate her. I started saying love ya because it was comfortable for me. Each time I said those two words, the words flowed more freely.

Hold on a minute–I had just passed a lesson and here is another teacher entering my schoolhouse.

Last week, my friend, Sherry, posted a story about this topic. Her story was about her sister who believed without the “I” in the “love you” phrase, it does not count. Again, I had to stop and think. I was going to have to experiment.

Since reading this, I have placed an “I” in front of Love you.

Here is what I discovered:

  • Once again, I became uncomfortable. I realized there was a comfort curve–I am okay with that. It means it is an important lesson for me.
  • The addition of one powerful word, “I”, added weight to the statement.
  • Of all the phrases I use, I wanted this phrase to carry every single ounce of its power.

Word by word, lesson by lesson, I am growing.

Peace be with you, my friends.

I love you.

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The Comfort of Memories

“When your friends are gone and you only can look at pictures, then remeber, that times and people change but that memories stay forever.” 

― C.M.

Losing loved ones is hard. For my friends and I, the past few years have dealt us some serious losses.

If you are lucky, you have memories to comfort you as you adjust and move on.

If you are luckier, you have friends who sit beside you and share their stories as you share your own.

Eventually, we all find ways to move on. It took me awhile to understand moving on did not mean forgetting. This realization eased my sorrow and restored daily joy. I found some fun and easy ways to keep each person in my daily routines.

A few examples:

–I have a votive candle burning as a daily rembrance.

–I have gardens around our house named in honor of them–even parts for our dogs.

–I have certain plants named after them so I can talk with them.

I have opened my mind to the signs they send. letting me know they are near. I have come to believe that our loved ones stay close to us–we just need to be aware of their signs and believe.

I found the following sometime ago by an unknown author who had some of the same ideas.

Hi.

This is your late loved one speaking. I don’t have long, so listen up because I have a lot I want to tell you. 

First off, I get it. 

Ever since I left this world you have missed me, and I know you’re bracing for the holidays without me. No matter what anyone says, this year’s festivities are going to be really tough. 

In fact, let’s be honest, this festive season will probably suck pondwater. But then, Thanksgiving and Christmas are tough holidays for a lot of people. You’re not alone.  

See, the misconception about the holidays is that they are one big party. That’s what every song on the radio claims. Each television commercial you see shows happy families clad in gaudy Old Navy sweaters, carving up poultry, smiling their perfect Hollywood teeth at the camera. But that’s not exactly reality. 

In reality, fifty-eight percent of Americans admit to feeling severely depressed and anxious during November and December. In reality many folks will cry throughout the “most wonderful time of the year.” 

Well, guess what? Nobody is crying up here in heaven. This place is unreal. There is, literally, too much beauty to take in. Way too much. 

For starters—get this—time doesn’t even exist anymore. Which I’m still getting used to. 

Right now, for all I know, the calendar year down on Earth could be 1728, 4045, 1991, or 12 BC. It really wouldn’t matter up here. This is a realm where there is no ticking clock, no schedule. Up here there is only this present moment. This. Here. Now. That’s all there has ever been. And there is real comfort in this. 

I know this all seems hard to grasp, but if you were here you’d get it. 

Also, for the first time I’m pain free. I feel like a teenager again in my body. You probably don’t realize how long I’ve lived with pain because I never talked about it, I kept my problems to myself because I was your loved one, and you needed me to be brave.  

But pain is a devious thing. It creeps up on even the strongest person, little by little, bit by bit. Until pretty soon, pain becomes a central feature of life. 

Sometimes my pain would get so bad it was all I thought about. No, I’m not saying that my life was miserable—far from it. I loved being on earth. It’s just that simply waking up each morning was getting exhausting. 

But, you know what? Not anymore. In this new place, I am wholly and thoroughly happy.  

But enough about me. I don’t have room to describe all the terrific things I’m experiencing, and you don’t need to hear them. Right now, you’re grieving, and what you need is a hug.  

Which is why I’m writing to you. This is my hug to you. Because you’ve lost sight of me. And in fact, you’ve lost sight of several important things lately. 

Death has a way of blinding us. It reorganizes the way you think, it changes you. You will never be the same after you lose someone. It messes with your inner physiology. It reorganizes you’re neurons.

But then, there’s one teensy little thing you’re forgetting:

I’m still around. 

Yes, you read that correctly, I’m right here with you. No, you can’t see me. No, you can’t reach out and hold me. But did you know that one of the things I’m allowed to do as a heavenly being is hang out with you? 

It’s true. I’m never far away. I’m in the room with you now, along with a big cloud of ancestors, saints, and witnesses. I’m shooting the breeze alongside you, watching you live your life, watching you raise your kids, watching your private moments of sorrow. 

Here, in this new realm, I am in the perfect position to help you learn things. Which is what I vow to spend the rest of your earthly life doing, teaching you little lessons, lending you a hand when you least expect it, and desperately trying to make you smile. Actually, I’ve already been doing this stuff, you just don’t realize it. 

What, you don’t believe me? 

Well, wake up, pal. You know that tingle you get in your spine whenever you think of me? That’s me. 

You know how, just yesterday, you had a beautiful memory when you were driving and it made you cry so hard that it actually felt good and you began to laugh through tears? Also me. 

You know how sometimes when you’re all alone, preoccupied with something else, suddenly you get this faint feeling that someone is standing in the room with you? Hello? Me.

You’re not alone on this earth. You never were. You never will be. So during this holiday season, when cheerful families are getting together and making merry, and taking shots of eggnog, I’m going to be clinging to your shoulder, helping you muddle through somehow. 

I’ll be making your spinal column tingle a lot, and I’ll be sending plenty of signs. Each of these signs—every single one—is code for “I love you.” So start paying attention to these hints. 

Because this was one.

Peace be with you, my friends.

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Baggage

From a Wounded Warrior notepad:

The greatest casualty is being forgotten.

When I was young, I lost my mom. I did not understand much but one thing puzzled me the most. I could not comprehend how the world continued to spin and life just moved on. 

I was surrounded by attentive family and friends for a few days, but once everyone left, no one mentioned my mom’s name again.

As a kid it was like losing her little-by-little each day. Eventually she completely disappeared. I did not know how to handle my feelings.

So…I learned to bury them.

Each loss faced found its way to that growing mass of unresolved things. Each addition made it harder for me to carry that growing stockpile with me. The carefully arranged stacks began to crumble and so did I.

I knew I had to tear apart the piles that were beginning to control my life. I had to learn a way to make sense of loss.

It has been a long process. My blogs have helped to clear up some of the clutter in my head and enabled me to share my progress. 

Thank you for hanging with me while I explored and eventually found my way through the clutter. Sometimes, even when you are afraid and unsure, you just gotta let go and let God answer your prayers.

Trust in Him and yourself.

Peace.

 

 

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Back In My Chair

“And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” 

― Meister Eckhart

 

Over the past few years I have experienced many life lessons and challenges. As time passed, I began to appreciate some lessons arrived before I my teachers arrived. My lesson in this situation was to pray for patience. I was at a crossroads.

As my seventieth birthday came and went, I realized I had to get back in my writing chair and enroll in my latest series of lessons.

I feel my teacher is near. Her satchel is full and I can feel her determination.

Come join me.

“I believe that life is all about perception and timing. That good things come to those who act and that life’s about more than collecting a paycheck. I believe that the only person you’re destined to become is the one that you decide to be. That if you try hard enough you can convince yourself of anything. That having patience doesn’t make you a hero nor does it make you a doormat. I believe that not showing love proves you’re weak and belittling others doesn’t make you strong. That you are never as far away from people as the miles may suggest. That life’s too short to read awful books, listen to terrible music, or be around uninspiring people. I believe that where you start has little impact on where you finish. That sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. That you can never be overdressed or overeducated. I believe that the cure for anything is salt water; sweat, tears, or the sea. That you should never let your memories be greater than your dreams. And that you should always choose adventure.” 

― Todd Smidt

 

Peace be with you, my friends. Stay kind and know you are loved. 

 

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A Season of Reflection

 
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up,”
— Christine J. Collins 
  

This has been in my season of reflection.

I have been studying my past in order to understand myself now. As I pull the past and present together, I see my future as well as any human can in our uncertain world.  

I’ve torn down, I’ve rebuilt. I’ve laughed and I’ve cried, mourning precious lost souls gone far too soon. 

Now is time to gather my stories in order to share and heal. 

This is for each of you… 

The ones who have fought some difficult battles.

The ones who are currently navigating grief and loss.

The ones who are healing.

The ones who have healed.

The ones who feel alone.

The ones who help those who are alone.

The ones who are scared.

The ones who share their truth no matter how hard it might be.

The ones who love unconditionally.

The ones who are trying to do better.

The ones who do the work.

The ones who are growing and evolving every day.

The ones who help others because someone helped you.

The ones who can’t stop crying.

The ones who extend a hand to others.

The ones who accept the extended hand.

You are brave, you are stronger than you know… and please know… you are not alone. We are all in this together and I whisper to each of you, “you got this.”

xoxox

“Gabby,” Gabrielle Jimenez, Hospice Nurse,

God bless and peace be with us all.  

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Remember

“You can have flaws, be anxious and even be angry, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can stop it from failing. You are appreciated, admired and loved by so many. Remember that being happy is not having a sky without storm, a road without accidents, a job without effort, a relationship without disappointments.

“To be happy is to stop feeling like a victim and become the author of your own fate.” It’s walking through deserts, but being able to find an oasis deep in the soul. Is thanking God every morning for the miracle of life. It’s kissing your children, cuddling your parents, having poetic moments with your friends, even when they hurt us.

“Being happy is letting the creature that lives in each of us live, free, joyful and simple. You have the maturity to be able to say: “I’ve made mistakes”. It’s having the courage to say I’m sorry. It’s having the sense to say “I need you”. Is having the ability to say “I love you”. May your life become a garden of opportunities for happiness… that in spring he may be a lover of joy and in winter a lover of wisdom.

“And when you make a mistake, start over. Because only then will you be in love with life. You’ll discover that being happy isn’t having a perfect life. But use tears to irrigate tolerance. Use your defeats to train your patience.

“Use your mistakes with the serenity of the sculptor. Use pain to tune into pleasure. Use obstacles to open the windows of intelligence. Never give up … Above all never give up on the people that love you. Never give up on being happy, because life is an incredible spectacle. “.

Pope Francis

Peace be with you, my friends. 

 

 

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Living Proof

I wondered who I really was, beyond all that I’d been told. Maybe that’s the point of this journey, to wonder, to investigate. To piece by piece uncover the things that make me, me. To know I don’t need to prove any of the things I’ve figured out abouty myself, to anyone. But just be the living proof.   ~Stacey Martin

I have been given the gift of time to slowly uncover the pieces of my life.  

There are so many lessons to re-take now that I am no longer afraid. 

My teachers are lining up and they are smiling.

As am I.

Peace.